Here comes the truth

A truth I’ve never admitted a truth that I have said to nobody. A truth that is mine and I am embarrassed to admit and share. I am very short, about 5’1 and a half. I come from short and generally small people, my mother was always 115 lbs… after having 3 children. She was always considered skinny and I never knew her any different as a child there was no stigma or issue with her being a generally thin person.

I was a dancer and did competitions as a child and teen. I loved ballet and was always at dance burning calories. When I was 17-18 I worked in a retail store that sells undergarments and has a secret , I’m pretty sure the secret is that Victoria likes wearing strappy uncomfortable lingerie ( if you’re picking up what I’m putting down) and I sold the clothes and bras and it was a fun job, as fun as retail can be ( it’s pretty horrible during the holidays and it’s tedious) . I worked and went to school and lived off cliff bars and coffee, dropping lbs like it was nobody’s business. I was careful to not eat carbs just vegetables and meat and laxatives. I love coffee so that kept me going and I worked late so I just went home and went to bed.

I decided to lose weight when I realized how easy it was for me at that time in my 17-20 year old life. I was so happy that I was finally skinny enough to my standard. This was not an issue because my weight was fine for my height I was about 112 and I liked it that way. I didn’t have an issue though because if I ate something I wasn’t happy about I’d take a laxative. I didn’t see the problem here. I was so happy for myself look see!

I looked great in my black work clothes and I could see all the bones in my hands and forearms ( a good indicator for me to know if I liked myself…. 🙄) I liked being on the cusp of is she naturally skinny or does she have an issue…. see my issue here?! We have officially fallen down the rabbit hole folks about 2 paragraphs ago. I justified it to myself that even though I damn well knew that I can’t live on laxatives and coffee I was going to try.

Fast forward to today I eat mindfully and take vitamins and try not to let my mind convince me to unnaturally restrict food, no laxatives. Now I was never hospitalized, I was never admitted to a psych facility and I was never treated for this but I think we can see what this was. Many many people have this disease much worse than I but as I got older I realized the rabbit hole I had fallen into and I’ve been trying to dig myself out. Now I don’t have a medical degree but I don’t think I need one for this diagnosis. I kept this to myself and liked it that way I liked to control everything that went into my body. For me it was the control factor, I did well in school and worked hard at work but this was one thing for me this was for my peace of mind that I’m “eating clean” and flushing my system. Ruining the natural mucosa pattern of my already screwed up digestive tract. I have this issue with a controlling behavior that I work on constantly it’s not controlling of others but of my own behaviors and my daily regimen. I knew this was an issue when I looked back years later and said to myself I remember when I was so skinny and looked so happy but looking at the picture made me feel guilty and sad.

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