All at once.

Do you ever feel all at once? You hear a song or recall a memory. I remember when I was a teenager I could feel things deeply and all at once, I could hear a sad song and react but mostly sad things (as that was my emotional tendency)  I have my own things to work through I have experienced people close to me suffer and I’ve seen them fade away, I have seen them gone in an instant and I have some left. I have a playlist of songs that remind me what it was like to be with those people and I cant listen to it often, when I do I feel emotions all at once. When writing here I usually try to smooth out my thought and emotion in order to not confuse or annoy a reader who may feel similar, but today I’m not worried by those reactions, I will be honest. I have mentioned before that I feel when you’re born you’re going to die not by chance but by design, there is always something to be learned from a death, does not make it any less sad. I work in the healthcare field and I see some of my favorite patients get forgetful and age quickly and some die by disease or by chance.  They are an example of sad deaths, I also know of a family member who wanted to die their age and disease made it a welcomed death and that was a relief for them. But I am starting to change my outlook because I have experienced tragedy which is death that can also be learned from sometimes but does not make it any less sad and not justified. Not that every death needs to be justified but there is just no answer for that experience, no deserving behavior or . A song that comes up on my playlist gives me that instant feeling when I hear the line ” I will not use them again”. The song is “eyes shut” by years and years and supposedly its about being depressed but the chorus goes follows-

“Nothing’s gonna hurt me with my eyes shut
I can see through them
I can see through them
I am drawing pictures, I’m evading
I will not use them
I will not use them
Again”

The way you evaded or escaped life, none of us got the chance to say anything or see you for a last time and what we got to see was a shell, I know you didn’t mean to and its okay I forgive you. ” He wont use them anymore ” just as you wont use yours anymore, along with some other parts of you that now benefit another. Who.. I don’t know but I know it’d be cool to see your eyes again though and nothings gonna hurt you anymore. I don’t know what I believe or if I believe in an afterlife but I hope you have your boat wherever you are and a cool pet like a tiger with you and a beer and the beach sand that you love…

I think this has been accepting the apology that you couldn’t give and I guess that makes me feel better.

 

currently reading-

Leonardo Da Vinci by Walter Isaacson.

Listening to one of my favorite songs “Vienna” by Billy Joel” –

“But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you get old”

With love,

Sarah

 

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